17 DPIUI#3

I thought about posting a picture of my actual temperature chart again, but I came across this graphic in today's LA Times, and this is a pretty good estimate of how my chart looks now! Today's temperature took a big dive from 98.6 to 98.1 F. Hopefully this means that the end is finally near. Once I get a negative test, I'm always eager to move on to the next cycle.

Cycle #15, here I come!

16 DPIUI#3

The ironic thing is, my AM temp is still sky high today -- (98.6F again). However, I woke up with a migraine headache, so that's probably a sign that the end is near. I swear, having a 15-17 day luteal phase is torture sometimes.

I'm glad I tested last night, because otherwise I would have seen that high temp this AM and I would have started to truly believe that I must be pregnant. Yesterday, I was really hopeful, but not convinced. I think a negative test would have been even more upsetting today.

I don't cry over my negative tests. I did a few times last year, but not any longer. I'm not saying that I'm proud of that, just stating a fact. I think that deep down, I know that we are going to need IVF with ICSI to get pregnant.

If that doesn't work, though, I think I'll be absolutely devastated. :(

No Embarazada

I'll cut to the chase: No, I'm not pregnant... "no embarazada"... one line... BFN.

My high temps this morning apparently messed with my mind, because I started feeling like maybe my breasts were doing something and I was having occasional mild twinges in my uterus area all day. Kinda similar to 2 months ago, I felt a sense of inner calm and kept thinking, "Ah, so maybe this is what it feels like to be pregnant. Now I finally know."

I debated all day, but decided to test this evening. I needed to buy a test first, though. My initial plan was to drive to Dollar Tree, but it is significantly out of the way from my evening commute, so I decided to "splurge" on a "real" HPT instead.

I stopped at Long's Drugstore and perused the selections. I wanted something sensitive, but not expensive. I randomly chose "Answer Early Result" based on the fact that it is a pink, two line test (rather than a blue or plus/minus test), and that the "Early Result" in the name kinda implied that it's a sensitive test.

Anyway, I then had to do a full grocery shopping trip. Finally, I came home... and then forced myself to bring in multiple loads of groceries AND take out the recycling AND put the garbage out for tomorrow AM, all before testing. Well, I finally cracked at that point and rushed upstairs to do the test, leaving about 6 bags full of groceries out on the kitchen counter. S wasn't home yet, and I was just hoping that tonight would be the night that I got to say, "Honey...guess what?" when he walked through the door.

But, no such luck. This Answer test had nothing but bad news for me. After I could clearly see that it was negative, I pried open the case for a better look... still negative. And then I looked up the test on http://www.peeonastick.com/ ... unfortunately, it's a very sensitive (25 mIU/mL) test. So, I tend to believe it.

The ironic thing is...my PM temp was very very high (99.7F). You're not supposed to follow those, but I do it sometimes anyway. I know that they usually run lower than that, especially at this point in the cycle.

Oh, blah. On to Cycle 15, our last chance before IVF.

15 DPIUI#3

My temps are still up (98.5 F at 5:06 AM, which is equivalent to 98.6 F after the computer adjusts for the fact that I woke up 40 minutes before my alarm.) I wonder if increasing anxiety alone can increase my temps???




I have had decent temps at 14DPO in the past, but I've never had a particular cycle's peak temp at 14DPO. (Does that make sense?) This is such a tease if it means nothing!

I need to get ready for work now. Afterwards, I'll have to decide about whether to buy some tests. I'm pretty much paralyzed with anticipation and fear. I am SO afraid of disappointment at this point. This is Cycle #14 for me; I've had 13 cycles of disappointment.

P.S.: Lately, I've had a few commenters (s.e., Alisa) who seem to have blogs, but I can't read them as I don't have access to their profiles. I'd love to check out your blogs if you'd like to share them)!

14 DPIUI#3

Argh! A temp spike to 98.5 F this AM (after decreasing to 98.2 F over the weekend) ruined my plans for quiet acceptance of another negative cycle. I've now spent the past 15 hours or so poking at my breasts and wondering... But I'm trying not to read much into it.

1) I may be 14 DPIUI, but I may only be 13DPO... at least that's what the Ovusoft computer program tells me.
2) I have had many episodes of high temps at 13DPO. It's really not that unusual for me.
3) Any sensations in my breasts (which are very very faint, if even there) and pelvis have occurred before. From what I understand, early pregnancy breasts are quite noticeable. This isn't something I would notice if I wasn't obsessing.

I am trying to keep my anxiety at a low profile because I don't want to set up S for disappointment. I'm thinking that I'll wait to see what the next day or two of temps bring before I decide whether to trek over to the Dollar Tree store. Yes, I have a box of 2 digital HPTs in my closet, but I told myself that I am saving those for a special occasion... like the day when I get a strip with two lines on it. Luckily, I have lots of other work to keep me busy, but it is hard not to get distracted.

13DPIUI#3 & Desert Trip

Unfortunately, I have zero symptoms and my temperatures are doing the slow dance downward, so I'm not going to bother testing this month. I'm really surprised how good that has felt last month and again now. I hate seeing stark white HPTs, and I'd like to never see one again if I can help it!

The desert camping trip was a success. We camped in an area called the A.rroyo Seco del D.iablo, in the Ca.rrizo Badlands of Anza-Borr.ego State Park. It was an area with less cholla (those are the evil cacti that have spikes that "jump" off and HURT you) than many of our previous campsites, so those 2AM stumblings out of the tent to pee were a lot less treacherous than before!

Instead of cholla we were treated to a landscape dotted with the purple blooms of desert verben.a and a few early desert lil.ies and primroses. The ocotillo were just starting to develop their red tips. S is saying that we may need to take another daytrip out there in 2-3 weeks to see the blooms at their peak, and I'm tending to agree. This was a pretty good year in terms of rain, so it should be nice. We also found some petrified wood (I was the one who found it, actually), and saw fossilized castings of cougar prints (a local pointed those out to us).

I wish I could show you some pictures, but my camera's rechargable batteries finally died for good, and S forgot his camera at home. Well, perhaps I will share a few pic from a previous trip (in 11/2005) to give you an idea:

dirt road with ocotillo (the tall, spindly looking plants)


this is what cholla looks like. You don't want to get very close. I cut out the amusing right side of this amusing picture...S was puckering up as if preparing to kiss it!!


These furry guys are out there, but it's pretty rare to actually see one. This is the only time that any of us has seen one out there. He was cruising along in the middle of a dirt road. In any case, I always shake out my shoes/slippers before putting my foot in! On the other hand, I have seen rattlesnakes many, many times here in San Diego (on hiking trails) and in the local mountains, but I have never actually seen one in the desert.

11 DPIUI #3

I wish I could report some sort of symptoms, but quite honestly, I feel nothing. I'm guessing that this cycle is another bust. My temps look decent enough, but they're flat rather than rising so I'm not excited by them. I'm not planning on testing until next week, and only if my temps were to stay up, which seems unlikely!

We're going camping in the desert this weekend for two nights. We're going with three friends (one couple, and the male half of another couple). I really wish that we were going for only one night, as I'd rather have at least one full day here at home to get stuff done, ya know? Camping in the desert is an odd experience. First of all, there are no campgrounds. You need some sort of 4 wheel drive (or at least a high-clearance vehicle so that you bottom out onto large boulders), and then you drive on these dirt roads for several miles until you see a spot that appeals to you. Then, you set up camp. No campground required. This also means no bathroom facilities, no other people nearby except for your group, and no running water. At the same time, there is no natural water source either, as this is the desert. It is a beautiful landscape, and there are some interesting plants and animals, but at the same time you have to watch out for the "jumping" cholla and I usually end up with quite a few scratches all over.

This is maybe our fifth time going camping in the desert. We usually go out there, set up our stuff, make a nice campfire (in a portable ring so as not to scar the landscape), and then eat, hang out, and have good conversation. Then we camp out one night, and go on one "big" hike. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that these friends are not very used to hiking, so I'll be interested to see how far we actually get! I wish we were coming home on Sunday night, but apparently we are staying until Monday morning.

The thing that stresses me out a bit is that last time, the other parties involved occasionally brought along a stash of pot. I don't smoke at all and it doesn't appeal to me, but S is tempted by it as it reminds him of old times and having fun with these friends. However, given our TTC difficulties, I would rather him not smoke it at all. I also get testy when he drinks more than a couple drinks. Last time we went camping (Thanksgiving), these issues led to some tension between S and I. I was taking my first round of Clomid, we had our first IUI coming up, and I was stressed out by that entire process. It seemed really unfair that S didn't want to do "everything possible" to optimize our chances, and that I had to be the nagging wife. He didn't smoke, but he kinda resented being reined in, I think. Anyway, to try to avoid a repeat, when S and I had our IVF consult, I did ask Dr G about both smoking pot and drinking (for the male). I gave Dr G all of the same disclaimers that I'm giving you guys (it's very rare, etc). Dr G agreed that it is best to avoid all of this, but he was kinda vague in the way he said it and S probably thinks that he said it's OK to smoke pot as long as it's very rarely.

Just to clarify, S normally drinks 1-2 drinks, 2-3 times per week, so he is not a heavy drinker. But have you ever googled "sperm count alcohol"? It is terrifying. S has not smoked pot during the almost 3 years that we have been together, but he did it in his younger days and I know he'd like to feel connected with his friends again in that way. I really hope that he understood Dr G's advice and that he doesn't want to. Otherwise I feel like the controlling, straight-laced wife and I don't like feeling that way. :/
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Edited to add: Never mind! I just talked to S and he did understand Dr G's point of view, and he is not planning to smoke! As I just told him, I doubt that it would be harmful, but you never know. Likewise, I doubt that my prior 2-3 caffeinated sodas per day would be harmful, but I've decreased it to one on Dr G's advice. I am so happy that S is 100% committed to doing everything possible to help this process along! I guess I already knew that, but I'm glad that I got Dr G to back me up on this one.