Sunday, December 16, 2007

12 DPIUI, symptoms -- but BFN


You have to admit that this ( <---- ) is a beautiful looking chart.


I marked today's temperature as "disturbed" only because one of the floor nurses paged me (inappropriately) at 3:50 AM, and then I was awake for over an hour trying to get back to sleep. But still, it looks promising.

That's not even mentioning the symptoms. Yesterday my breasts finally started feeling funny, and I remember thinking... ahhh! This is really it!! Today, the feeling has continued. It's a weird sensation; they feel sore when I am just sitting here thinking about them, but they are not at all tender to TOUCH. In addition, I am having occasional pains deep in my pelvis. I just had another one as I've been typing this, in fact.

Of course, I reminded myself again and again that I am taking this vaginal progesterone and that it is probably the cause of the new symptoms. And I didn't report any of these vague symptoms to S because I didn't want him to get excited and then face a possible negative.

I waited all weekend to test, because it's still a bit early, and I didn't want to test in the morning and then have to rush into work. After a long and exhausting day, I finally got home tonight at about 8:30 PM. I felt unusually calm as I "peed in a cup" and dripped four tiny drops into the well of my Dollar Tree HPT. The urine raced across the strip. The test line came up dark pink immediately, but nothing on the test side. A few minutes later, there was a funny pink blob that followed behind. At a couple of points, after then 10 minute mark, it seemed to almost coalesce into a line at the approximate location of the test line. I thought, "hey, an evap is better than nothing!" I tried to capture it with a digital camera for HPT expert opinions on Ovusoft, but my digital camera's batteries were dead. Soon thereafter, even that pink ghostly line dissipated and disappeared. All I am left with now is a starkly negative HPT.

So, I'm 12DPIUI. Perhaps only 11DPO, so I *suppose* there is still some glimmer of hope. Still, if I am feeling anything "real", I would think that the HPT would be positive by now. I thought I would cry, but I am simply numb. S didn't seem that surprised either. I think he is pretty much already fixating on IVF as our solution. But even that is not always perfect.

I'm still luckier than most all of the patients that I saw today. One guy went into the ER with chest pain, thinking he had a heart attack. Instead he had a hemoglobin of 4.9 (normal is about 13-17), a platelet count of 10,000 (normal is 150,000 to 450,000), and a new diagnosis of acute leukemia. I need to remember to be thankful for my health and that of my family and close friends. S and I will get through this and we will have a baby someday.

4 comments:

alison said...

Crossing my fingers that you'll get a second line when you pee in a cup again! :)

Cindy Nguyen said...

I hope you were too early and there is still a chance for you.

A good friend of mine went to the ob/gyn and they found two masses surrounding her ovaries. And her lymph nodes were inflamed. She had a MRI on Friday, and her ob/gyn suspects she has stage III ovarian cancer. She is 33 years old. They are doing more tests. She found out around the same time I tested. It made my BFN seem like not that big of deal, so I know what you mean about being grateful for your own health.

You and I will both have babies someday. And I think it will be soon.

Big hug to you today.

Lauren said...

Sorry for the negative. You're absolutely right about remembering how blessed we are despite no pregnancy. Not to revel in other people's bad situations, but it does make you take a step back and realize things could be a lot worse.

jennifercarol said...

I'm hoping that it was just too early. But I have to say that I absolutely hate symptoms. It feels like I'm playing mind games with myself every cycle! And let's face it...we're all going crazy as it is!